Writing samples

 Here then is the funniest scene in the history of the cinema: I was sixteen years old when I saw that movie, UHF, in the summer of 1989. Some friends and I went to see it at the now defunct Southland Cinema that used to be at the corner of Southland and MacLeod Trail in Calgary. I didn't just laugh, I howled. I laughed so hard that my sides hurt and tears came out of my eyes. I laughed so hard that some of my fellow moviegoers shushed me.  What made that scene even funnier was the sure knowledge that not everyone found it as funny as I did. A girl named Keri, who was the girlfriend of my friend, Jay, looked at me like I was crazy. She didn't find anything funny about that scene - thought it cruel, in fact - and this just made me laugh harder. My dad tells a similar story of walking into a movie house circa 1976 and watching a movie called Murder By Death. The film is a sendup of all those turn of the century murder mysteries and my dad thought it was so funny that he screamed...

 I used to own a moonstone. Really, I did. It was one of the most useful things I ever owned. It allowed me to instantly transport myself around the world. No longer did I have to worry about things like jet lag, flight delays, or airport traffic. All I had to do was use my moonstone outside Jhelom and I could be in Skara Brae in a split second. Oh yes. That's pure geekspeak, friends. I think that the donor of this title, Kathryn Brunton, will allow it as she is also a geek, though her preferred kingdom is Star Trek while mine is Ultima, the series of fantasy role-playing video games that came out in the 1980s. In Ultima, there were eight towns that were all dedicated to one of the eight virtues of avatar hood. Skara Brae, for example, was dedicated to spirituality while Jhelom was dedicated to valour. Outside each of these towns was a moon gate. Stepping through them would transport you to another moon gate locale (this depended entirely on the phase of the moon.)  In Ultima ...

Going on a picnic, leaving right away If it doesn't rain, we'll stay all day. Did you bring the sandwiches? Yes I've brought the sandwiches. Did you bring the salad? Yes I've brought the salad. Ready for a picnic here we go. These are the words of Raffi, Canadian children's entertainer and personal hero of my baby sister. The song is called Going on a picnic and it is from Raffi's 1979 album, The Corner Grocery Store . The song continues as follows: Going on a picnic, leaving right away If it doesn't rain, we'll stay all day. Did you bring the melon? Yes I've brought the melon. Did you bring the apples? Yes I've brought the apples. Did you bring the lemonade? Yes I've brought the lemonade. Did you bring the cookies? Yes I've brought the cookies. Ready for a picnic here we go. And here is an addition to the song, written by my late best friend, Ozi, sometime in the mid 1980s. Did you bring the lemonade? Yes I've brought the lemonade. ...

 My home - my apartment - is about the size of a two car garage.  When you walk through the door, you are in my kitchen. Look to the left and there is a sink and counter and stove. Look to the right and there is a kitchen table. The table is flanked by two doors, one that leads to the bedroom and another that leads to, what I have started calling, "the blue room." I call it this because there is a blue carpet on the floor. The rest of my apartment has linoleum. The blue room has had a number of functions over the years. Briefly, it served as my roommate's quarters. At one time it was going to be my kid's room but then he decided that he preferred the other room. The blue room has become my room now. I am writing this in the blue room. Immediately behind me a day bed I got from IKEA a couple years ago. It has become my favourite bed. My apartment is not luxurious but I love it. I am aware that a large part of the world's population would view my four walls as sheer...

The late Christian apologist Walter Martin used to point out that God never promised people happiness. He promises them joy in the afterlife but not bliss in this one.  I, for one, am sick of sanctimonious mushy gushy reverends saying things like "God loves you and He can't wait to shower you with blessings so you'll be happy." Yeah, tell that to the Christians who were fed to the lions in the coliseum. - My mom paid me a compliment the other day when she said I am one of the least materialistic people she knows. It threw me for a loop because I've been saving my money for a new car for the past three years (thank you, buggabugga, for wiping out my bank account.) I asked her to explain herself and she reminded me that my cruddy little apartment, which I have called home for nearly two decades, would be anathema to the vast majority of people living in First World Canada. My apartment is tiny. There is no balcony. There is no outdoor pool or view of the city skylin...

 So here we are smack dab in the middle of the dog days of summer, which are supposed to end in early August. For the second summer in a row, things have sucked because of buggabugga and as this stupid pandemic ends, we're heading into a new normal that could be defined by climate change. I'm hearing reports of clams that are boiling in lakes, crops that spoiled because of the heat, and runaway forest fires. The preachers on the Christian radio station I listen to are wont to say that these are heralds of the end times. - Walking to the office today, I saw the sun disappear. Seriously, it was like a magic trick. The sky was overcast, just a sheet of grey-white, and the sun appeared like an orange dagger, not a sphere at all. Slowly, the sun faded from few, as if being embraced by smoke. I wished I'd filmed it. Kiddo woke up sick on Sunday morning. His dumb ole dad had let him spend too long at the splash pad the previous day. Probably had a touch of heat stroke. I remembere...

 God help me but when I was given the title "pinecones and peppermints," the first thing I thought of was the Christian children's album Bullfrogs and Butterflies that we had when we were kids. The title track was an allegory for being born again, seeing as how bullfrogs and butterflies both go through radical transformations in their lives. The same cannot be said for pinecones and peppermints, even though that phrase has the same cadence as bullfrogs and butterflies. - I śaw plenty of pinecones yesterday. I also saw something called a Japanese beetle, which is an invasive species that is destroying our local flora. There's a church whose border touches my kid's favourite splash pad. That border is marked with a chain link fence and through that fence spill plenty of leaves from a bush I can't identify. The leaves are covered with Japanese beetles. On several leaves, I saw one beetle on top of another one. The ones on top were bouncing up and down. I knew wha...