July 18: Pinecones and peppermints

 God help me but when I was given the title "pinecones and peppermints," the first thing I thought of was the Christian children's album Bullfrogs and Butterflies that we had when we were kids. The title track was an allegory for being born again, seeing as how bullfrogs and butterflies both go through radical transformations in their lives. The same cannot be said for pinecones and peppermints, even though that phrase has the same cadence as bullfrogs and butterflies.

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I śaw plenty of pinecones yesterday. I also saw something called a Japanese beetle, which is an invasive species that is destroying our local flora. There's a church whose border touches my kid's favourite splash pad. That border is marked with a chain link fence and through that fence spill plenty of leaves from a bush I can't identify. The leaves are covered with Japanese beetles. On several leaves, I saw one beetle on top of another one. The ones on top were bouncing up and down. I knew what they were doing. Pervert beetles. I used my fingers to flick them away like marbles. You might think that's cruel but the leaves think I'm their hero.

Yesterday, I saw no peppermints.

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Well that isn't entirely true. While my kid was playing on the splash pad, I entertained myself by reading, practising magic, and playing video games on my phone. One of the games I play is a Peanuts themed Snoopytown, which contains this character right here:

In the Snoopy game, you have to accomplish certain tasks; plenty of those tasks require items that you can obtain. One of these items: pinecones. So there is some serendipity there.

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On the subject of peppermint itself, I'll say that I enjoy it in peppermint patties. A long time ago, there was a chocolate bar called Pep, which about the circumference of a hockey puck, but much flatter. It consisted of a sheet of peppermint that was covered in chocolate. They don't make it anymore because confectioners figured out that I like it. They will begin remaking Pep bars the day after I die (Dairy Queen will start re-issuing butterscotch sundaes on that day too.)

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The Bible says that God loves us but science might say He loves pinecones more. This is because pinecones have seven times the chromosomes that human beings do. This is mind boggling because the DNA in our chromosomes tell us if we'll have blue eyes or dark hair or if we'll look like Allanah Myles. You'd think the same thing would happen with pine trees but they all look pretty much the same to me. Just a bunch of trees with little green needles on them. Cut 'em down so Santa Claus (who has 46 chromosomes) can put presents under them. 

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Divorce peppermint from candy and I no longer like it. I tend to chew a lot of gum in the winter (I have sporadic halitosis) and peppermint is too strong for me. So I go with spearmint, also known as peppermint for wimps. (I have no idea how many chromosomes spearmint has.) Spearmint grows on the other side of the world. It is described as a "pleasant smelling" mint that is harvested for toothpaste, mouthwash, and other products.

I have some spearmint mouthwash in my bathroom. There are no pinecones in there.

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A pine tree bonked me on the head with a pinecone this spring.

What happened was I was at the park with my kid. He was amusing himself on the playground and I was sitting at the picnic table underneath the massive pine trees, watching him. There was movement up in the trees. Squirrels. Now and then, something would hit the ground. THUNK. I assumed it was squirrels throwing down acorns.

But the squirrels weren't doing it. The tree was doing it. It was throwing down pinecones in an effort at reproduction.

One of the pinecones hit me on the head. Know what that means? It means I had been sexually assaulted by a tree. If a human being did that to me, I'd make sure he was arrested and charged. But the stupid pine tree can get away with it. Speciesism, I tell ya.

If only I was eating a Pep bar when it happened.