July 25: The most over-the-top ridiculous thing I've ever seen

 Well if I have ever had a note title where I'd want to go back later and change it, this is definitely one of them. About a week from now, I'm sure I will think of something even more outlandish than what I'm about to write about here. I find myself in a more contemplative mood tonight so I'm not going to write a bunch of goofy stuff. I think there's plenty of over-the-top ridiculous things. The outfits that the pope wears during papal ceremonies are over-the-top. So are most of the floats in gay pride parades. But if I had to narrow everything down to one major offender, I would have to nominate the Walt Disney Company.

I would have come to this conclusion as early as 1984 when CBS aired a massive 50th birthday celebration for Donald Duck. There were parades, musical numbers, and Dick Clark interacting with the birthday boy himself. It was fun but it was also overkill. I couldn't help but think that the whole thing was stupid. Donald Duck wasn't even real and Disneyland had gone wild over it. My own grandparents - you know, actual flesh and blood people - had celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary and all they got were a bunch of people enjoying a barbecue at my Uncle Den's house.

My hero, David Mamet, noticed something similar when he was at Disneyland, where his stay was interrupted by a parade honouring Mickey Mouse. Like me, Mr. Mamet got all quasi-intellectual about it and he came to the conclusion that Disneyland is in the business of merchandising self esteem. I don't have the actual essay in front of me, but Mr. Mamet concluded that at Disneyland, you're being sold the idea that you are "one of the good people" and this is evidenced by the very fact that Mickey Mouse, as American an icon as Mount Rushmore and the White House, "likes you." He also trashes Disneyland, saying that, in essence, it's just a run-of-the-mill amusement park where people stand in line for hours at a time to enjoy a five minute ride.* He says he doesn't like Disneyland and finds its atmosphere mildly oppressive, like you're always being watched.

Perhaps Mad Magazine put it best when it said that the Walt Disney Company tore down some of California's real mountains, replaced them with fake ones, and then charged people money to see them.

I have been to Disneyland once and I enjoyed the Space Mountain and the haunted house but I feel no need to return there. 

And while we're talking about America and over-the-top, it seems that the United States might have a global monopoly on pageantry and indulgence. At one time, I felt shame watching Fourth of July celebrations, which came only three days after Canada Day. Up here, we celebrate our country's birth with fireworks and maybe a day at the beach. We wear red and white and we wave our maple leaf flags, but we're much more patriotic during the Winter Olympics when our country's hockey games are going for gold. Trust me, you will hear O Canada sung with a lot more passion then than you will during the opening ceremony of any Canadian small town's Canada Day party.

In the United States, the Fourth of July is like a religious ceremony. There are parades; people dress up like George Washington. Everyone salutes the flag and they get pissed off if a part of it touches the ground. No one gets their panties in a knot up here if a part of our flag touches the pavement. We get more upset if Tim Horton's takes too long to give us our double-double.

And then there's advertising. If you grew up in the 80s, you might have witnessed the cola wars, where Coke and Pepsi went at each other for marketplace supremacy. Each company mounted advertising campaigns that grew more and more ridiculous. Michael Jackson, the biggest pop star on the planet, shilled for Pepsi, as did Madonna and Beyonce. Whitney Houston and Taylor Swift both endorsed Coke, but not one of 'em touched the emotional chords Coke did with its Hilltop ad in 1971.

 

Like... holy smokes. All those fresh faced kids, who are now all my mom's age, taught the world that the secret to everlasting peace was to drink a bottle of black water with sugar in it. It was stupid, it was ridiculous, and it worked because human beings are EMOTIONAL, not LOGICAL. That is the key to understanding human behaviour. (And besides, you can't GROW turtle doves, stupid.)

And for the record, as much as I champion Dr. Pepper, I can't really tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi and I'll even drink a PC Cola if it's offered and, if it's a hot day, I'll say "Man, that hit the spot."

* He wrote the essay in the 1980s and things have changed at Disneyland. You still have to wait, I understand, though not necessarily in lines. You'll be paged when your turn comes up.